In the Stillness

A few weeks ago – while on my way to prayer meeting – my daughter and I passed a thrift store. We were about forty-five minutes early, so we decided to stop. She went to one end of the long row of skirts and I went to the other. She came away with a few to try on, and I came up empty handed. I followed her to the fitting room and gave her some instruction about showing me the ones she wanted to purchase so I could give them the thumbs up. I pulled out my phone and checked the emails that had arrived, then thumbed around to see if I had any other notifications. She showed me one, then another, and we made our piles – yes, no, and maybe. When she re-entered the fitting room for the last time, I spun around to look at the books. I didn’t want to go far – we weren’t in the best part of town – so I just had one rack to look at. But I really didn’t need to look at the whole rack. There, on the top shelf sat a book just waiting for me. Out of place amidst the fiction books surrounding it was a small, paperback titled Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World. I wrote myself an email some time ago with an idea for a book title very similar to this, so it drew my attention. It was as if the teal and yellow binding was flashing and I knew that this book was the purpose for my pit stop. My daughter did find a skirt or two and a near-new pair of flats, so she may disagree with me. She walked out with more in her bag, but I was sure that my single item would produce in me the more that I had been seeking.

In the quiet time I have had alone with God recently, have cried out “Lord, You know who I am, You created me. I am a doer, a rule-follower, a perfectionist, and those things – while they help me in my career and other areas of my life – are a hindrance to my spiritual walk. Open my eyes so that I can see myself for who I truly am, and guide me to a place where I can be who You want me to be. Teach me how to be still.”

I didn’t open the book until today. More than six weeks have passed since tax season ended, and I finally found a few empty days on my calendar. I booked a room in the coastal town of Sausalito, CA, and my husband and I hopped in the car. After a drive to the beach this morning – too cold – and an attempt at a hike – we forgot to bring water – we opted for a late breakfast and a leisurely afternoon. I put on a cozy robe, brewed some tea, and walked out on to the deck with my new-used book. I have never met Joanna Weaver, but when I turned to page 9, it felt like she knew me. I hollered over my shoulder “Honey, can you bring me a pen? I just found myself in this book.”

I underlined, made notes, and starred several passages. “In her eagerness to serve Jesus, she almost missed the opportunity to know Jesus.” Oh my…I have been there. I used to be so worried about the food part of our church’s potluck dinners that I failed to see the importance of fellowship. I have often taken on tasks – even when I didn’t want to or didn’t have time to – and felt empty, rather than the fulfillment I expected. I have found myself “…hoping that in offering more service, somehow [I] will merit more love.” I am an earner. If I need something from God, I can just do something for Him and he will hear me and answer, right? Wrong. Then it wouldn’t be mercy or grace, and I am thankful for both of those incredible gifts.

I only read a chapter today and then we headed back out – with a bottle of water – to take our hike. I walked a little slower and took some time to see the beauty that was surrounding me. It helped that we had no idea what our destination was, but today I didn’t care where we were going. I was more interested in the journey than where the journey would take me. I followed butterflies and bees. I picked a bouquet of flowers for my daughter and found a geode for my rock-collecting son. I picked dandelions and blew the white petals into the salty sea air. I held my husband’s hand and stood – as he called it – on top of the world with him. Today, I stood still.