All or nothing. That is how I have lived most of my life. I am either all in or I am not at all, there isn’t anything in between. I operate in a fixed mindset. On or off. Black or white. Truthfully, that serves me well at times. However, there are areas of my life where it is such a hindrance, I often feel like I am never able to truly move forward. I start, then fail, then give up. It is always two steps forward then three back; I lose the ground I made, and that third step back is the psychological impact of failure.
My health has always been the victim of this cycle. Growing up in a home where nutrition was never discussed, and healthy foods were not readily available, I learned to love salt and sugar, fat and carbs. I had no idea until my mid-twenties that the foods I ate had more impact on my weight than my sedentary lifestyle. And even with that knowledge, I still had no clue how foods really impacted my body.
I decided about a month ago to give a modified version of the carnivore diet a try. Really, it is like a modified version of keto meets carnivore meets no sugar meets zero carb. I am blessed to have three freezers full of grass-fed beef and locally raised pork, along with farm-fresh pasture raised eggs from our chickens available every day. I have added to those proteins certain low-carb veggies, like cabbage, asparagus, kale and lettuce. I know, it doesn’t sound that exciting! But I have tried to keep it interesting by making things like what I like to call ‘nacho mama’s tacos’, which are essentially Mexican lettuce wraps.
I knew going in that I had a five day vacation planned, and I decided at the beginning of the month that I was going to try to get out of my head and allow moments where I consumed foods that were not part of my every day diet. No diet can last forever. I knew that if I treated this like every other diet – oh wait, I mean ‘lifestyle change’ – the moment I ate a piece of cake, it was over. My kids had been talking up Disneyland desserts since they found out about the first leg of our trip, and I knew I would be trying a Mickey Mouse macaroon at the least.
What I couldn’t do was make provision, or what I have previously referred to as build grace into my plan. That would imply that I had done something wrong, something that required grace. But I didn’t want to do that to myself. I have lived so long with shame around every corner, that I really wanted to figure out a way to make some necessary dietary changes, while still living life. But if I am honest, I was very nervous. Hence, I am writing this on day 30, not day 1 or day 5. If I failed, no one would ever know.
In the first few days, I really just tried to make meals that weren’t boring, that were protein packed and had flavor. I used herbs, garlic and ginger, along with a little bit of salt, pepper and butter. I made nacho mama’s tacos, chicken soup with cabbage and cumin, breakfast for dinner, and occasionally, I had a scoop of peanut butter to satisfy my craving for something sweet. I watched the scale count down a little bit every day, which gave me a little incentive to keep going.
What was strange is that I didn’t feel hungry. I could go most of the day without even thinking about food, then around 4pm eat one meal, and feel fully satisfied. As someone who likes to snack, I had to figure out what to do with myself during times I would normally snack, especially late-night reading. I found gum helpful, or a hot tea.
On day fifteen, my brother picked up some Stok cold brew gelato for the soft serve machine at church. Stok is my favorite cold brew, and he had gotten it with me in mind. I had not had any carbs outside of a few vegetables for two weeks, yet the moment he told me, I knew I was going to try that gelato! And I did. I got a white plastic spoon, went to the soft serve machine, and I got one bite of gelato. And I didn’t feel guilty, or like I was doing something wrong.
A few days later me, my husband and my two teenagers headed to Los Angeles. We walked twenty five or more miles in the three days we were at Disneyland. I tried bites of cheesecake, ice cream and the raspberry filled Mickey macaroon. Our next stop was Coffee Fest, where I tried sips of sugar-filled drinks, sampled carbs disguised as breakfast, and laughed until it hurt. And never once during those five days did I feel guilty or loaded down by shame.
Much to my surprise, when I returned home, I had maintained my weight, within an ounce or two. I know, you’re thinking it is because I walked so much, but you might be just as surprised as I was when I searched it online: walking ten miles burns just 1200 calories, give or take.
Most days, I eat meat and vegetables, cheese and eggs. I drink a lot of water, some coffee and iced tea. But last week, on Thursday night, I decided that I wanted ice cream for dinner. No special occasion. I wasn’t treating myself. I just wanted ice cream for dinner, so I had it. And the next day, I had still lost a few ounces.
Overall, it has been thirty days and I have lost exactly ten pounds. The weight loss is great, but the true victory for me has been finally Learning to Live in the Gray (which I wrote years ago!). I want to be around for awhile, and I know that food plays such a vital role in longevity. I also know that life happens, and I can always find an excuse to eat poorly. For the past week since we have been home from vacation, my kitchen has been under remodel, so we have had to eat out. That’s an easy out! But rather than take the out, I have eaten salad with protein or roasted chicken wings. There are healthier options on the menu, we just have to find them. We have to want them.
I know that every body is different. I am not advocating for a carnivore diet, or the Mickey Mouse macaroon at Disneyland! But I want to be an encouragement to someone out there who is stuck with a perfectionist mindset of all or nothing. I want to tell you that perfect is admirable, but not always achievable. If you are making progress and you’re heading in the right direction, sometimes it’s ok to chase the butterfly down the path for a moment. Don’t lose sight of the road you’re on, but allow the moments to happen, and don’t define your journey.
This is about weight loss, and eating healthier, yes. But mostly it is about finding freedom from a fixed mindset that has held me back most of my life. Whatever it is that you’re struggling with, try again. The best version of you is within you, just waiting to be given the opportunity to shine.
Uncommonly Common Mom 