One Degree of Change

It was a hot, Summer afternoon and I was sitting at a small, high-top table in my friend’s dining room. She was hosting a going away party for her cousin, a young man I had met just a few months before. A few women were playing a game at one end of the table, and I was eating a slice of pizza, chatting with a few friends at the other. The young man came into the room, and I called him over. I had made him a t-shirt with the words “Be Kind” on it, and I pulled it out of my purse. “Here, I have something for you,” I said as I handed him the gift. My niece looked at her mom and said, “Hey, how come we didn’t get him anything?”, to which I responded, “We can’t all be a Tonia.” I meant the words in jest, and we all had a little laugh, but while I was laughing, something beautiful happened. Internally, I thought, “I like that about you, that you think of others, that you brought a gift.” While some might find that prideful, it was the first time I can remember complimenting myself. It was the first moment that I can remember feeling like I liked myself.

Self-talk has always been negative for me. I have pointed out every flaw, constantly reminding myself of my imperfections. Even in success, I will find a flaw, something that could have gone better. I am my own worst critic, always have been. At times, this has been a motivator, constantly pushing me forward, to be better, to achieve more. But in the end, no amount of success I attained caused me to like myself. Outward success could not quiet the internal voice of shame.

Somehow, I felt like if I was able to achieve perfection in my life, the voice of shame would have to be silent. Success, to me, had always been perfection. Whether it was school, business deals, parenting, even my Christian walk, the only result I was willing to settle for was perfection. As you can imagine, that was both exhausting and impossible, and it has left me feeling inadequate my whole life. No joke, I dropped out of college because I got a B. My thought back then was, “Clearly I don’t have the time in my life for school right now.” That B tarnished my perfect transcript, and rather than accept it, I was willing to quit, and devote my time to things I could better control.

With perfection as my only allowable outcome, I was doomed. I had no hope, and the voice of shame had full reign over my mind, over my life. I have spent my entire life hiding, allowing shame to keep me in the background of my own life. Once I realized that my definition of success was unrealistic, I began to evaluate what I wanted my version of success to be. What were the things that were most important to me? Who do I want to model my life after? Where do I want my influences to come from, and the ever-important question, who do I want to influence? Once I began to evaluate success, the voice of shame became quiet.

That August night, I began to wake up, to see myself…and to like myself. It was the strangest feeling to compliment myself, and an even stranger feeling to receive positive affirmations. Maybe it is even stranger that I talk to myself, but we will deal with that another day! 🙂 Over the past two months, my life has changed. During the speech I delivered to my high school class at graduation, I coined the phrase, “On the path to the world I’ve created for me.” That has been more than twenty years ago, and I feel like I am finally on that path. And I am walking in confidence, allowing grace to cover me when I fall short, and embracing the voice of God in my life. When an obstacle presents itself, I am taking the time to determine the cause – am I supposed to allow this to divert me? Or should I buckle down and muster through? Some things are meant to be conquered, while other things are meant to steer us in a different direction.

I want to encourage you to make note of the internal voice that drives you. When you make a mistake, does she encourage you to get back up, or kick you while you’re down? If someone talked to your daughter, or maybe your mother, the way you talk to yourself, would you allow it? Consider, for a moment, that your past does not define you, and that you are worth more. If you are struggling with shame, self-worth, or that critical inner voice, get out a notebook and define success. Not society’s version, not your mother’s version, not your second grade teacher’s version – but your own version. Then, do one thing today that the successful you would do.

You’re always one decision away from a totally different life.

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It has been said that one degree of change in the direction of the Titanic would have saved the ship from hitting the iceberg. One degree! Imagine where your life will end up if you change your definition of success, and make one decision each day toward becoming that person. Now stop imagining and start walking!