Who do you want to be? Deep down, if you allow yourself to dream for a moment, who is it that you are striving to become? What if we stopped striving to become someone, and began to be who we are right now? If we keep dreaming, we will never arrive, but if we live in the now, we will become dissatisfied enough with our reality that we can then begin to change. And the end result is that we can become that person we always wanted to be. But it takes work, it is uncomfortable, and we are going to want to quit – probably more than once.
Let me provide an example that most people can relate to – weight loss. Let’s say you are fifty pounds overweight. You dream of the day that you are thin, that you can fit into that dress hanging on the far side of the closet – the one you just can’t bring yourself to put in the donation bag. You dream of slipping it over your head and it falling nicely around your new body. Now go look in the mirror…that’s not your reality. In reality, you have fat lingering in places you wish it wouldn’t, your body is an outward representation of the poor food choices you have made for far too long. Just say it – look into the mirror and admit it – “I’m fat. And I am miserable.” Ok, now do something about it. If you’re anything like me, you have made the decision to lose weight before, and it probably looked something like this: “I am going to workout thirty minutes a day, six days a week.”; “I am only going to eat salads.”; “I am going to eliminate breakfast from my diet.”; “Weight watchers looks easy enough, I am going to give it a try.”; “Suzy lost thirty pounds when she eliminated bread from her diet, and I can live without bread!” Add your own self-talk in, you get the idea. We went all in, overloaded ourselves with strict rules – and then we failed, miserably. We lost a little, we felt good, and then we slowly slipped back into our old ways – because they were comfortable. We lost sight of why we started in the first place, we forgot who we wanted to be. Weight loss is an easy topic to target, because a huge percentage of the population struggles with their weight. But what if it’s not fifty pounds you are trying to lose, but shame that you have been carrying since Uncle So and So pulled you into his bed when you were nine? Or what if you have realized that your relationship with alcohol has gotten out of hand, and you long for a day when you can go without a glass (yeah, let’s be real, a bottle) of wine at the end of the day. Maybe it’s less complicated – maybe you just want to be the mom who bakes cookies for your kids on Saturday afternoons, but you cannot seem to say no to your boss when she ask you to work overtime. What if who you want to be is more about who you don’t want to be?
You didn’t gain fifty pounds last week. It was the second slice of your husband’s amazing cheesecake – with fresh strawberry sauce. It was the extra helping of cheesy potatoes, or the coke you drink at three o’clock each day to fight off afternoon fatigue. It was a series of smaller choices that led you here, so why do you think that one choice will fix it all? Be honest, you said to yourself, “I don’t need anther piece of cake, but it tastes so good.” You have argued with yourself in your head, probably regularly, and you’ve lost, often. You lacked self-control, you caved to your taste buds, to your inner critic, to an external pressure. And now, you have to take the reigns back, overcome that voice in your head, tell her no! Take a moment and answer these questions:
- What is it that you want to change to become the you that you’ve always dreamed of being?
- What were three smaller choices that led you here, to this you that you don’t want to be?
- What do you think is a realistic time-frame to get out of this mess?
Are you fed up yet? How long have you put things off because you were not the best version of yourself? I can remember thinking that one day, when I had enough money, I would travel more. And the reality is that my inability to tell people no has hindered me far more than finances ever have. I could travel every week – I live in California – the beach is an hour away…and it’s free! But to do so would require me to say no to external pressures, and in turn say yes to myself. I am tired of allowing my past choices (or perhaps the choices of others from my past that shaped some part of who I am) to hinder who I am today. While it is true that I am the sum total of the experiences I have lived, it is also true that I have the ability to choose how I allow those past experiences to shape my future. I choose. Say it with me, “I choose.” Not Uncle So and So.
So what are we going to do about it? First, find a mantra, a scripture, a quote, even a photograph of someone who resembles the you – your best self – that you see in your mind. I once had the words, “I’ve been changed” written with dry erase marker on my bathroom mirror for more than six months. Every morning it helped me remember why I was making the decision to quit smoking. Whatever you find, write it down, cut it out, and put it somewhere that you are going to see it every day. If it’s a photo of yourself fifty pounds ago, tape it to the fridge. If it is a quote or a scripture, perhaps putting it on your car visor will work. Or get a dry erase marker and write it on your mirror. While attending my church’s New Year’s Eve service, I kept hearing “Let not your heart be troubled” over and over in my head. I went home and pulled out this sign board that I bought on sale and put in my gift cupboard, and I wrote it out, along with two words that I am holding on to. Find a place that works for you and give yourself a little daily motivation, a subtle reminder of why you started.
Now, you have identified three small choices that got you to this place that you don’t want to be. Pick one, and take action. If we are talking about weight, and you have identified that poor food choices got you here, then make the choice to eat better. That doesn’t mean don’t eat candy ever again, but it means make a realistic plan and build some grace in. You still love yourself (or perhaps you will learn to), so allow yourself some wiggle room. If that is a coke on Friday, or half of a slice of your husband’s cheesecake – go for it, and don’t feel guilty. You choose. Maybe we’re talking about Uncle So and So, and the things he did to you – things that left you feeling unworthy and full of shame. What smaller choices did you have in that? Likely none. But the smaller choices actually came way later – when you failed to ask for a raise because you didn’t feel worthy, or when you allowed your boyfriend to call you names because shame had a hold on you. Whatever you have identified, pick one. Trying to attack all three at once is like sending failure an invitation. Be patient, the slower you go, the longer the change will last. Whatever time frame you have decided is realistic – double it. I know, a year seems like so long when you already decided you want to fit into that dress by Fall, but setting the goal out farther doesn’t mean you have to take the whole year. It just means that if you have some set-backs, or you realize that it isn’t just shame you are dealing with, but shame upon shame, you will have the time you need to properly address the hang-ups and heal from them.
I am no expert. I have no degree, no professional license to offer such advice. What I do have is three and a half years of experience in digging out the roots of some things that were growing in the garden of my heart, choking out the me that I wanted to be; the me that God intended me to be. When I started on this journey, I wanted to become sober, to lose weight, and to quit smoking. Two of those three things happened on day one, and I hoped the other would take a few months. Although I didn’t know it then, my plan only included plucking the blossom off the flower, at the surface. Alcohol was the fruit of un-diagnosed OCD, shame, feelings of failure, fear, and so much more that was beneath the surface. While I was able to pluck the flower off on day one, I still have not gotten the root fully out. And losing weight? I went full force, lost a little, gained it back, and started over. And then I realized that I had an unhealthy relationship with food. Two years in, I decided to examine my relationship with food, make a few adjustments, and then my real weight-loss journey began. Someone once told me about the roots of the California redwood trees, and how they are not deep at all. While the trees tower over three hundred feet above the ground their roots are often only a few feet deep. How do they stay standing? They spread wide, up to a hundred feet from their trunk, and they intertwine with other roots nearby, forming an underground system like no other. The roots that have taken hold in your garden are often similar – they are not deep, but they are intertwined with other roots, and in order to rid yourself of one, you might have to see what is holding it up. For me, shame was the root in the center of my garden, and as I began to dig it out, I discovered that it was being held up by low self-worth, which was entangled with childhood abuses. I could not pluck out one root without disturbing the whole system, and there was no way I could do it quickly. I needed to examine each root, see where it led and what was helping it to stay alive. I had to go step by step, allow myself to grieve, feel, hurt, and then heal. It has taken so much longer than I expected, but when the roots are gone, they won’t be back.
I highly recommend that you start this journey with prayer. You can probably do a lot of this work on your own, but if you ask God to join you, He will. The odds are that the journey will be longer than you anticipated, and you will discover things in your garden that you had no idea you were still watering, things you may not remember ever planting! Come to God, humble, sincere, and say something along the lines of, “God, I am not who I want to be. I am asking you to open my eyes to see who I really am, and give me a vision of who you want me to become. I want you to walk with me as I make the journey to step into the fullness of what you have for me. God, I am asking you to make me whole.” You will be amazed at how he answers you.
Uncommonly Common Mom 