Expect Nothing

I count on one thing; the same God who never fails will not fail me now…In the waiting, the same God who’s never late is working all things out.”

Vertical Worship (Yes I will)

In any aspect of life, when you have forward momentum and an obstacle interrupts that momentum, progress is halted. Most frequently, we don’t have any control over the obstacle’s appearance, however we do have control over our reaction the the obstacle. We get to decide how long to allow the obstacle remain in our way, the attitude in which we approach the obstacle, and how to get around or remove the obstacle. I have said before, that having lived most of my life in fight or flight mode, my first reaction is to figure out the quickest way to overcome any hurdle that is thrown in front of me. It has taken me many times of climbing over the same hurdle to realize that maybe it was placed there for a purpose – to redirect me, or to actually alter my course – not to be climbed over.

Last night, I was reminded that choices matter. When I threw my hands in the air last week, I surrendered to the pain – but I should have surrendered the pain. The pain is there, it is an obstacle in my path. For over two years, I have been trying to overcome it – to crawl through it – and I have become buried, at times, beneath the weight of it. I have a sign that I see every morning when I leave my bedroom that says, “Grow through what you go through,” and I have tried to do that. I have looked for the opportunities to change, to allow my perspective to shift so that I can see the positive changes that are coming from this obstacle placed in my path. What if, though, I was never meant to come out the other side? What if the obstacle was meant to change me, and then change the direction of my life? What if the other side isn’t at all what I expected?

Blessed is he who expects nothing,

for he shall never be disappointed.

Alexander Pope

I have stood at an altar and surrendered the pain. I have surrendered my will, my body, my hopes, and my dreams, but I have yet to lay down my expectation. The Bible tells me to “Cast all (my) cares upon him, for he careth for (me):” (1 Peter 5:7). I don’t think that was limited to the current cares, or the obstacle that is in my way, but I believe that it encompasses the cares of tomorrow. I wonder what will happen when I let go of what I expect my life will look like after this. What if there is no after? I honestly have not considered that this isn’t going away. Don’t get me wrong, I have a promise from the King, and I am holding onto that promise. It is not that I don’t expect to recover, or that I doubt that God will heal me. It has just never occurred to me that this obstacle was meant to divert me away from the path I was on, to change me, and that at the end of all of that, my life might look completely different. Consider Saul on the road to Damascus in Acts chapter nine. He had an encounter, he lost his sight, and when it was restored to him, the direction of his life had changed. Jacob wrestled with the angel of the Lord in Genesis chapter 32, and the Bible tells us he limped after that. I remember hearing a preacher say, “Never trust a preacher without a limp.” How naive of me to believe that I would just come out on the other side. Tonight, I choose to echo the words of a wise woman I know – I choose to believe that everything is going to be okay, even though I don’t know what that will look like.