Plan B

Yesterday was tough. In the morning, my nose was a little drippy. I sneezed a few times and thought that there must be some allergens in the air. By the afternoon, I felt the familiar pain in my lower left abdomen with every sneeze. I expected the pain, just not until Sunday. By the evening, I was feeling a little feverish, the pain in my abdomen was moderate, and my sinuses filled. And by one o’clock in the morning I was laying in bed next to a diffuser filled with eucalyptus, peppermint, lemongrass, and frankincense oils. I took 500mg of acetaminophen, a quarter of a Melatonin, and I put a cough drop in my mouth.

My work day yesterday was spent entering credit card charges. A mundane accounting task, normally. Except the charges were for Dominoes Pizza, Lucille’s BBQ, and a variety of other restaurants. Each time I saw a food charge, I got hungrier. I have not struggled much with hunger this week. But yesterday, I struggled – all day! After work, I went to a birthday party. For dinner, they hired a little taco vendor. I sat next to the grill where they were making fresh meats and grilled onions.  After the day I had, hungry all day, it was rough! Anyway, when I came home from the party I put on my pajamas and curled up with my son on the couch. My head started pounding with sinus pressure and the pain level in my abdomen was on the rise, making it incredibly difficult to get comfortable.

Thursday I was at the grocery store and I went down the carbonated water aisle. I reached for a pack of cranberry-raspberry waters and my husband reminded me that I was juicing, and that flavored water wasn’t part of the juice fast. I informed him that they were just water, no fruit (the only carbonated beverage he drinks is cola), just the essence of flavor. He tried a rebuttal but I remind him, and myself, that this was my choice. I made the rules and I gave myself grace. I am very thankful that he has joined me this week, it has really made it a lot easier. Even when I have given him permission to bail, he has hung in there with me. But at the end of the day, this was my choice, my rules, and I built in grace so that I could adapt. From a girl who has struggled with codependency most of her life, that was a pivotal moment. A codependent person says your words and action determine how I feel. But in that moment, I decided that my thoughts and my actions would determine how I felt. And I felt just fine buying carbonated water!

I say that to say this – before I ever began this journey, I built in grace. The perfectionist in me says that taking advantage of that grace will mean that I failed. I set out to accomplish something and I was unable to reach the finish line.

Our need to be in control, to orchestrate the perfect scenario for every journey of our lives, breeds anxiety in our hearts.

Emily Ley

How true that is! In a perfect world, grace would not be necessary. When I planned this week out, I knew that the cyclic pain that hits every 28 days would arrive on Sunday. I also knew there would be two birthday parties to attend and that I would have to endure some of my favorite foods being served. I was prepared for that. I had accounted for that. I had not accounted for illness to arrive, or for this pain to arrive two days early. And therefore I need grace. And pain meds…I am pretty sure that before the day is over I am going to need something to dull this pain. That will require food, some substance in my body. And you know what, I am ok with that. It is not failure to take advantage of the grace that was built in to the plan. Pride and perfection are taking a back seat and today, grace wins.