I learned a new term this week. De novo is defined simply as starting anew. As a legal term – a de novo appeal – it means that you are requesting that your case be reviewed with fresh eyes, without prejudice to the verdict handed down at the original trial. I can imagine that it is difficult for judges or legal teams to review a case without any weight being given to the previous verdict. While I have never been on trial (unless you count traffic court) I did sit on a jury for a murder trial once. It was difficult stepping into the court room without remembering the last time I had been on that very floor, about fifteen years earlier when I sat through my mother’s trial every day, and I knew she was guilty. I think I hoped that my presence would somehow sway the jury, that they would have mercy, or even pity – my dad was already in prison and I didn’t want them to take my mom, too. My father, too, had been guilty of the crimes he was accused of. As a matter of fact, every person I had ever known who had gone to court was guilty. So as I stepped into the court room as a juror, I saw the defendant through a lens of guilt. My personal past had a heavy influence on my perception.
I first heard this new term on Sunday night at church. This sweet, older woman from Arkansas was preaching about appealing to our Lord and asking Him to take a second look at our petition. It was a good word. But as I was lying in bed that night, surrounded by silence, I began to consider the term. I wondered who might qualify for such an appeal. Could anyone file for such an appeal, or would there be requirements and red tape, or perhaps hoops to jump through? And then it hit me – I needed to file a de novo appeal. Not to God or with the courts, but with myself. I have lived as a prisoner of my mind for most of my life. My past has heavily influenced who I have allowed myself to become. Because Mike B. danced with Megan on the last day of 2nd grade, I wasn’t pretty enough and no guy would ever choose me. Because my parents were addicts and I had to hide my home life, I learned to smile in the face of devastation. Because I was held hostage by robbers, I fear guns – and I also fear fear.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
Franklin D. Roosevelt
While it is good for us to make decisions based on past experiences – maybe that is called wisdom, it is not healthy to allow our past to keep us in a box. I recently heard a man say, “You have to give people room to change.” I wholeheartedly agree with that statement, but I have never applied it to myself. I have to give myself room to change and allow myself the chance to become who I want to be – without the voice of shame telling me that I am a fraud. To be imprisoned in your mind is to be both the accuser and the accused – and to always see yourself through a lens of guilt. I know now that I possess the keys to free myself from this prison.
I have the right, the authority, and the obligation to free myself.
Lying in bed that night, having realized I needed to alter my thinking, to silence the voices of shame and fear, I thought “Ok, how?” And then my email notification went off and I saw that a digital book I had on hold was available. I often put books on hold and have to wait weeks or months to read them, causing them to feel almost like a little gift to my future self. I opened my library app and there sat The Perfection Detox by Petra Kolber. I opened the book and scrolled through the introduction and thought to myself “This book is going to change my life.” I read “…what we are striving for, and what actually exists, can never meet” and “Perfectionism, while not a disease of the body, is a cancer of the spirit and one that if left unmanaged will cause great damage to our life.” and I realized that perfectionism was the guard in my prison, making sure I didn’t escape. If I can overcome perfectionism, I will find freedom.
Perfectionism is just fear in really good shoes.
Elizabeth Gilbert
Thank you to the me of many weeks ago that put that book on hold. Thank you to that preacher lady who taught me a new term. Thank you to a pastor who prays for my soul and has given me the room to change. And thank you to a God who is rich in mercy, gives me grace for every day, and has loved me through the process of changing from a life of existence to a life of abundance (John 10:10).
Uncommonly Common Mom 